Can't Sleep

Can't sleep.  I hate these bouts of insomnia.  I lay in bed and start to think about life, which gets me thinking about how lonely I really am.  This is what's on my mind tonight:

My last fortune cookie read: "You are going to have a very comfortable life."  Ha!  Comfortable life, indeed.  I am a gay Mormon.  Nothing is going to be comfortable or easy.  Going through life battling between my sexual orientation and my faith will not lead to a very comfortable existence.  Right now is definitely one of those times.  I am not comfortable at all where I am (physically, emotionally, etc.).  Perhaps until I get away from BYU, from Provo, or even away from Utah altogether, I will not be able to live a "very comfortable life."  But in oder for that to happen, I will need to come out to my family and my friends (an extremely uncomfortable thought in and of itself).

Out of my already short list of friends, only a few of them know that I am gay.  I always think that I want to come out, but I am afraid of people judging me or looking at me differently.  Can't they see that I'll still be the same person after I come out, albeit a little more free and unburdened.  I want to tell some people, but every time I think about it, I get a sickly feeling deep down in the pit of my stomach.  It's that same feeling you get right before you go on stage in front of thousands of scrutinizing eyes.  I may be coming out to only one person, but it feels like the world is watching.  Just this morning for example, I was on the phone with my mother and the thought popped in my head: what if I just blurt it out? "Mom, I'm gay." But, as soon as I thought it, I felt like I needed to rush to the nearest bathroom.

I'm guessing it's going to be like when I went bungy jumping.  I got to the edge with my toes hanging out over the ledge. The countdown started: 3 . . . it's about this time I thought why am I doing this? . . . 2 . . . what if the harness isn't secure? what if the cord snaps? . . . 1.  Go!  But inexplicably, despite my misgivings a second earlier, I found myself leaping off the platform and plummeting toward the water as fast as gravity could pull me.  I felt light and free as a bird.  It was a liberating sensation, like I was weightless.  And, to nobody's surprise, the safety features remained intact and they performed their desired fuction to get me back to the top without injury.  Coming out will be hard, and I will have misgivings.  But I just have to go for it and trust that those who support me and love me will not fail me when I need them the most.

*FYI: Yes that is really me in the picture. Cool, huh?

Before I go, I want to take time to thank everybody who follows and/or comments on my blog.  I know this sounds cheesy and cliché, but I do sincerely appreciate all your words of comfort, advice and humor.  So, thanks for reading.  Now, hopefully I have expelled enough of the thoughts rambling around in my brain to get some sleep. Arrivederci.

Laugh of the Day

Found this on Youtube and could not stop giggling the entire time.  Whoever made this did a fantastic job.

I am a Monster

I am a Monster*. I found Lady Gaga's Heartbeats headphones and just had to buy them. Who am I kidding? I'm not gonna wear these in public. And why did I feel obligated to buy a brand new set of headphones when I have a perfectly good set already? They are really good headphones; I really enjoy how my music sounds when I wear them, but just take a look at them. I admit, they look stylish, but a little too much for a guy to be wearing around (especially here at BYU).

*A Monster is what Lady Gaga calls her die-hard fans. I am a full-fledged monster because I spent too much money on something I do not need just because it is a product of Her Majesty.

Hallelujah

Possibly one of my all-time favorite songs:

Olympics!

Okay, it's official: I absolutely LOVE the Olympics!

Congrats to:

3. Johnny Spillane (Silver, Men's Nordic Combined)

~ Spillane is the first-ever medalist for USA in this event.

2. Apolo Ohno (Silver, Short Track) & cutie-patootie J.R. Celski (Bronze, Short Track)

~ Ohno & Celski were going for fourth and fifth, respectively, when on the final turn, two of the three Koreans ahead of them wipe out and allow our guys to take second and third. I know they got it because someone else messed up, but I am still super pumped!

1. Hannah Kearney (Gold, Ladies' Moguls) & Shannon Bahrke (Bronze, Ladies' Moguls)

~ If you didn't watch this, you missed out! Bahrke makes a spectacular run, but is beat out by an almost perfect run by Canadian Jennifer Heil. Last up is Kearney. It's do-or-die. She executes a flawless run and takes away one of Canada's chances to finally take gold on home turf (that honor went tonight to Alexandre Bilodeau in the Men's Moguls!).

Okay, so seriously, how cute is speed skater J.R. Celski? Oh man, everytime I see his face I want to squeal!

And what an incredible story about him coming back from an almost career-ending injury! Whoo! Someone cool me down!

The Hours

I watched The Hours for the first time last night.

I had no idea what I was in for, as I had not heard anything about the movie beforehand. To be honest, I was quite hesitant. By the time the opening credits finished, however, I knew I was in for a cinematic treat. I was relishing in discovering all the parallels between the three stories. It was an emotional ride. I identified with the women in the fact that sometimes, for no apparent reason at all, life seems too much to handle.

There is a scene where Julianne Moore's character is laying in bed, when all of a sudden, water begins to rush out from under the bed. The room fills with water until she is completely immersed. Oh, how many times I have felt that I am drowning in my own life! How many times have I wished to be free of the chains that bind me! It hasn't happened much, but there have been times that I have contemplated suicide. In fact, the time when I contemplated it the most was on my mission. The entire time I was serving, I felt like the characters in The Hours. I felt like I was drowning. The anxiety and depression that followed me were almost unbearable. I had to get out.

This movie deals a lot with death, which has been on my mind a lot recently (you've probably noticed from some of my recent posts). I mean, I have been to two funerals in just over one month. I've had a lot of opportunities to contemplate life and death. I have realized how fragile life is and how quickly it can be taken away. I admit it, I am afraid of dying. I'm afraid of the unknown. Do I know for certain what awaits us on the other side? I like to say I do, for the sake of other people's comfort. But truth be told, I have no idea. There is one quote from The Hours that has stuck with me. When Virginia Woolf's husband asks her why one of her characters has to die, she responds: "Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more. It's contrast." I guess this is true. If no one ever died, no one would appreciate their own life. No one would enjoy what God has created for them. Perhaps this also answers the question that I posed in Tuesday's post.

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

--Virginia Woolf from The Hours

RIP Alexander McQueen

Iconic fashion designer Alexander McQueen, 40, was found dead in his London home earlier this morning.

Where would the world be without those amazing 10-inch heels from Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" video?

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Until I was 11 years old my family lived here in Utah. Where we lived, we were surrounded by great neighbors and friends. There was one family that lived down the street from us. We were never incredibly close with them, but I do remember vividly going over to their house often and playing in their yard with their two daughters who were around my age. At one point, even, their mother was my primary teacher. I always remember how nice they were to me and my family.

When we moved to Georgia, we lost contact with most people in our ward and neighborhood. This family was no exception.

About five years ago, as luck would have it, this particular family moved into my Aunt & Uncle's ward (which happened to be only 2 minutes from where we used to live!). When I moved back here to Utah to begin school at BYU, I spent many weekends with my Aunt & Uncle. Over these weekends, I got to re-connect with this family. They invited us over to watch movies, to have dinner, play games, etc. It was great! I was so glad to have them back in my life.

Less than a year ago, the patriarch of this family was diagnosed with ALS (Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, AKA Lou Gehrig's Disease). For those who don't know exactly what that is, it is a degenerative disease that affects muscle control. For the past several months, I have seen how this disease has quickly compromised this man's control of his own body.

I received a telephone call at the beginning of this week from my Aunt who informed me that this man was in such terrible condition that he was practically suffocating because his respiratory system was not functioning. He is on a respirator in order to breathe. She told me that the family was planning on pulling the plug and letting him die sometime this week.

While I knew this was inevitable, it still rocked me to my core. I couldn't believe it. All I have been able to think about this entire week since that phone call is how things like this always seem to affect the best of the best. This family has seriously been such an example to me. Their strength and perseverance through such difficult times makes me admire them all the more.

So, again: Why do bad things happen to good people? I know this is one of those eternal questions that is impossible to fully explain, but everytime something like this happens, I always come back to it. I never seem to get a full answer. I guess I won't get the entire answer until I'm on the other side.

If you are interested in learning more about ALS or wish to donate for a cure, please visit www.alsa.org

UPDATE: This man of whom I speak in this post passed away earlier today. RIP