Anyway, tonight I was watching the Grammys. I was enjoying it very much, watching some of my favorite bands perform and rooting for my favorite nominees. At one point in the telecast, Taylor Swift and Stevie Nicks were performing. While their performance left much to be desired, there was this banjo player who was really getting into his playing. He wasn't even that effeminate and flamboyant. Out of the blue, my older brother, shouts:
That guy is a f**kin' homo! He should be shot in the face!
My brother does not know that I am gay, but I was still shocked and mortified that my brother would say such a thing! I had to excuse myself and I went into my room and just about broke down crying. My brother has always been pretty conservative in his views, but still, for somebody, anybody to say that a person should be killed for being homosexual boggles my mind. Fortunately I pulled myself together and tried my hardest to forget what he said. But I couldn't stop thinking about it and I couldn't enjoy the rest of the show. Even my idol, Céline Dion, singing for the Michael Jackson tribute couldn't get my mind off of it.
It doesn't stop there. I was later riding in the car with my brother and his friend and for some reason tonight seemed to be "Insensitivity to Gays" day in my brothers world. When things were stupid, he called them "gay"; when he spoke of his friend getting married soon, he joked that he thought it would never happen "because they would never allow gay marriage in Utah, and thats the way it should always be"; and I about flipped out when he railed on President Obama for asking Congress to repeal the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy of the military: "Gay-ass homos should never be allowed to protect this country." At this point, I demanded that he take me home. He knew I was upset about something, but he didn't ask.
I am so upset right now. I can barely contain myself. I have cried several times since being home over this. This whole thing makes me incredibley anxious when I even think about coming out to him. Before today, I always thought he would be one of the first I would come out to. We've always gotten along pretty well. I thought he might've understood. I guess I was totally wrong.