Anyway, tonight I was watching the Grammys. I was enjoying it very much, watching some of my favorite bands perform and rooting for my favorite nominees. At one point in the telecast, Taylor Swift and Stevie Nicks were performing. While their performance left much to be desired, there was this banjo player who was really getting into his playing. He wasn't even that effeminate and flamboyant. Out of the blue, my older brother, shouts:
That guy is a f**kin' homo! He should be shot in the face!
My brother does not know that I am gay, but I was still shocked and mortified that my brother would say such a thing! I had to excuse myself and I went into my room and just about broke down crying. My brother has always been pretty conservative in his views, but still, for somebody, anybody to say that a person should be killed for being homosexual boggles my mind. Fortunately I pulled myself together and tried my hardest to forget what he said. But I couldn't stop thinking about it and I couldn't enjoy the rest of the show. Even my idol, Céline Dion, singing for the Michael Jackson tribute couldn't get my mind off of it.
It doesn't stop there. I was later riding in the car with my brother and his friend and for some reason tonight seemed to be "Insensitivity to Gays" day in my brothers world. When things were stupid, he called them "gay"; when he spoke of his friend getting married soon, he joked that he thought it would never happen "because they would never allow gay marriage in Utah, and thats the way it should always be"; and I about flipped out when he railed on President Obama for asking Congress to repeal the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy of the military: "Gay-ass homos should never be allowed to protect this country." At this point, I demanded that he take me home. He knew I was upset about something, but he didn't ask.
I am so upset right now. I can barely contain myself. I have cried several times since being home over this. This whole thing makes me incredibley anxious when I even think about coming out to him. Before today, I always thought he would be one of the first I would come out to. We've always gotten along pretty well. I thought he might've understood. I guess I was totally wrong.
I know how you feel my friend. I had to listen to my dad and brothers bash gays more times than I care to remember. The following is the web address to a post on my blog where I talk about one of the instances:
ReplyDeletehttp://gayldsman.blogspot.com/2009/10/out-of-mouths-of-babes.html
Everybody tells you that you need to have patience but when you have to hear your family saying these types of things it hurts and the hurt goes deep. I don't know if it helps or not but know that you are not alone, you have many unknown friends who understand and have been there. As you begin to come out more you will meet more and more people who are there to hold your hand and give you hugs when you need them the most. Otherwise Good people can oft times be so pious in their self righteous indignation.
Rich
I know it's really hard now but don't give up. Could you go to grad school in a major city? I have come out (Dublin, Ireland) and I can't believe how great life can be. Don't come out until you are sure you are ready and it's safe. One day you will and you'll realise how many other people out there are just like you and know exactly how you feel. You will have more good times than you've ever dreamed imaginable and make some of the closest and warmest friends of your life. Remember when times are hard that this to will pass.
ReplyDeleteInterestingly, studies show that people are in real terms less homophobic than they sound. Young men talk the talk as a way of emphasizing or defining their masculinity, i.e by reference to what they are not rather than what they are. The envirionment you are in sounds unwelcomming but this is the exception not the rule. Study hard and plan your escape. Everything you ever dreamed of will soon be within reach.
Take care.
If my brother said something like that to me, I might smack him. (One advantage size gives me). Maybe its time to tell that boy the horrific truth and give him a lesson of reality that he needs.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you had to experience what you did. I don't know your brother, but wonder if he did know about you, if he would have behaved differently. I have noticed my children's attitudes and conversations change since learning about me. Maybe this event might be an opportunity to share yourself with him. Hopefully he loves you enough to be respectful and compassionate toward you.
ReplyDeleteAbout as recently as last October, my brother had the same attitude towards homosexuals and other so-called "deviants". It wasn't until recently that I've had the chance to slowly ease him into seeing another point of view.
ReplyDeleteBig hug.
ReplyDeleteThat sucks that your brother is so insensitive. However...does he have any gay friends? I think a lot of the time gays are just nameless and faceless to most people, and they really just need someone to expand their horizons for them. I've had that happen several times with some of my friends; just knowing someone who is gay completely changes their outlook.
ReplyDeleteSo don't give up on him yet!! :)
I am really sorry to hear about those comments. Every once in a while I get the comment from my friends, "oh that's gay". But luckily for me, they usually apologize. Most of the time I don't even notice anymore. I can completely understand how terribly frightening that situation is for you. One of my roommates told me he'd kick the trash out of anyone who's gay. But he wasn't like that at all when I finally got enough courage to tell him. And just remember that there are people who love you just for you.
ReplyDeleteIt's this exact reason that I have a hard time doing anything with my Ultra-Conservative in-laws or any of my mother's or father's extended family - I know that if they come out with something similar to what your brother did, I'd out myself, and say to put me and my two boys on the island, because if I'm gay - they might be...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, man. I hope things improve!