Tactless

I have a thing for awards shows. The Emmys, the Tonys, the Golden Globes, etc. Oscar night is one of my favorite nights of the year. The Academy Awards are my Super Bowl.

Anyway, tonight I was watching the Grammys. I was enjoying it very much, watching some of my favorite bands perform and rooting for my favorite nominees. At one point in the telecast, Taylor Swift and Stevie Nicks were performing. While their performance left much to be desired, there was this banjo player who was really getting into his playing. He wasn't even that effeminate and flamboyant. Out of the blue, my older brother, shouts:

That guy is a f**kin' homo! He should be shot in the face!

My brother does not know that I am gay, but I was still shocked and mortified that my brother would say such a thing! I had to excuse myself and I went into my room and just about broke down crying. My brother has always been pretty conservative in his views, but still, for somebody, anybody to say that a person should be killed for being homosexual boggles my mind. Fortunately I pulled myself together and tried my hardest to forget what he said. But I couldn't stop thinking about it and I couldn't enjoy the rest of the show. Even my idol, Céline Dion, singing for the Michael Jackson tribute couldn't get my mind off of it.

It doesn't stop there. I was later riding in the car with my brother and his friend and for some reason tonight seemed to be "Insensitivity to Gays" day in my brothers world. When things were stupid, he called them "gay"; when he spoke of his friend getting married soon, he joked that he thought it would never happen "because they would never allow gay marriage in Utah, and thats the way it should always be"; and I about flipped out when he railed on President Obama for asking Congress to repeal the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy of the military: "Gay-ass homos should never be allowed to protect this country." At this point, I demanded that he take me home. He knew I was upset about something, but he didn't ask.

I am so upset right now. I can barely contain myself. I have cried several times since being home over this. This whole thing makes me incredibley anxious when I even think about coming out to him. Before today, I always thought he would be one of the first I would come out to. We've always gotten along pretty well. I thought he might've understood. I guess I was totally wrong.

I'm Back

A lot happened over the Christmas break. As I stated in my last post, I was thinking about coming out to my parents over the break. That did not happen. My 18-year-old brother recently did something incredibly stupid (and illegal) and was causing a lot of tension in the family. I decided that I would not add fuel to the fire and cause my parents to worry about me also. I will probably wait until my brother moves out of the house to come out to them. They have enough on their plates with him still living at home.

And so Christmas came, Santa did stop by and apparantly we were all really good 'cause we didn't get any coal ;) I got some really good presents. I was SOOO excited for the $100 gift card to the brand new H&M store that opened at the Mall of Georgia. I LOVE that store so much! I got so many new clothes. Woot! Woot!

New Year's was fun. We partied with some friends, played games (I won in Scabble! And which of you doubted me?), watched Dick Clark mess up the midnight countdown (anybody else catch that? it was really funny, but kinda sad too, 'cause that man needs to retire), and had some really good food. My New Year's goal (I'm not a fan of resolutions, I like to set New Year's goals) is to start swimming again. I haven't been in a pool since I returned from my mission two years ago, and my body is showing it. ;) I really want to get back into shape like I was in high school.

To put a little damper on the Holidays, my grandfather passed away on the 30th. He was actually my mom's stepdad, but our family lived with him until I was about 3 or 4, and he has always been as good a grandfather as any, so I call him my grandpa. It wasn't unexpected, he had been sick for a while, and had gone downhill fast since Thanksgiving. But it still was hard for me. Although I hadn't kept in touch for the past few years, I still feel this powerful relationship to that wonderful man. The viewing and the funeral were today in southern Utah, so I skipped classes to pay my respects. It was a beautiful service. While I am sad that this incredible man is no longer with us, I feel that he is in a better place and is free from the pain of his broken body.

So now I'm back in Provo, ready to start school again tomorrow. I just have one class, and then work right after, so not a really busy day. But I am going swimming tomorrow morning to begin my New Years goal! Anyone want to join me? I could use a swim buddy.