Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Dreaded Phone Call

7:30pm - Unknown Utah phone number calls me on my cell phone. Usually when this happens, it's somebody from the ward asking when and where FHE is (I am FHE coordinator for the ward). Seeing as it is a Tuesday, I should have sensed that something was awry. But being the curious person that I am, I decided to answer just to ease my curiosity. It was the dreaded phone call from the first counselor in the bishopric. My heart sank when I heard these words: "Bro. so-and-so, would you be able to give a talk in sacrament meeting this coming Sunday?" Sunday? This Sunday? I'm going out of town for MLK weekend! Maybe there's hope. "Oh this Sunday I'll be out of town for the long weekend. Sorry," I reply. I pray that they have plans for the next few Sundays to come, but, alas, this is never the case in the Mormon Church. They always have backup plans. "Well, how about the following week? Or you could even do it on the 31st," was his reply. Noooooo! I thought. But what was I suppsed to tell him? Oh, actually I don't really want to because I cannot continue to attend a church that discriminates against who I am. These words are probably best saved for a meeting with the Bishop, not as a way to get out of a Sacrament Talk. So, anyway, my topic for this joyous occasion is "Making Choices." I admit it's not the worst topic to be given, but I still would rather not do the whole thing at all. I have always been bad at public speaking. Every talk that I have given has turned into a disaster. A talk that I planned to be 15 minutes, ended up being 5 because I began racing through my outline so fast and I skipped several key points so that I am sure it didn't make a lick of sense to anybody.

Bah! Why? Why me? I don't want to give this talk, but as I am still not out to anybody, I am still keeping up appearances to please those around me. I really need to break out of this shell that I have been put into. I am tired of being someone I am not.

Anyway, to end this post on a lighter note, I have decided to leave you with this scene from one of my all-time favorite movies:

11 comments:

  1. (If I get asked to do things I do not want to do (out or in the Church), I just reply, "Oh, thank you, no." Most people drop it right then because they are not used to hearing no. And, on the odd time when I do get asked why not, I just reply the same thing. It is a wonderful little technique that has kept me out of a jam or two. :))

    Good luck with your talk. I hope all goes well. :)

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  2. Hahaha! Sucker!! Sorry, that was wholly obnoxious. But I totally feel for ya!

    I asked to be released from my calling on grounds that this semester would be too difficult for me to fulfill my church responsibilities AND keep up in classes. They released me last Sunday, and I was probably the happiest man on earth at that moment! I walked on air to my car and thought daisies and tulips would spring up from the snow mounds!

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  3. 1. Go back to the bishop's counselor and say you can't do it after all. You have no obligation to give reasons or justify your decision, and don't give in when he tries to change your mind or ask why. Just say "I'm sorry I can't do it, and I knew you'd need time to find someone else."

    2. I LOVE Love Actually too, and so do my twins (the edited version!). It's one of our favorite Christmas movies.

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  4. I LOVE Jump, by the Pointer Sisters. When one of my nieces was a small child, I would pick her up and we would dance cheek to cheek to this song. This video brought back ALL kinds of good memories! Thank you!

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  5. Maybe you should just "Jump" in and talk about the choices you have made in your life as a gay mormon at BYU. Wouldn't that be a good way to go about the talk? educating and teaching people while still fulfilling your commitment to talk.

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  6. 1) I agree with Alan's approach. You can say "no" without troubling the waters.

    2) Getting asked/called to do something can be kind of annoying. After I was excommunicated, the bishop was released and one of his counselors became bishop. The new bishop decided to take the idea of giving me assignments/callings (which you can't do for ex'ed members) and called it opportunities for me to serve freely out of my volunteering heart. It's kind of a stretch--but I have an active imagination to see how the two different things can be the same (soooooo sarcastic).

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  7. I know this wasn't the point of your post...but Love Actually is really one of your favorite movies? WTF? WHY?

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  8. I have to agree with Alan! Being gay, Mormon and in the closet is not the funnest place to be but regardless the one thing you have to be is honest and true to yourself. When the time is right you will eventually come out but until then, Gird up your Loins Fresh Courage take! If you feel you need to give the talk then do it, if not then call them up tell them you can't and don't give in to their preasure. Leaders in the church are sometimes pretty good at putting the preasure on to get what they want or perhaps feel is best for you. But once again it is important to be true to what your heart tells you.

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  9. One quick thought I like:

    I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence.
    Frederick Douglas

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  10. I hope you learned your lesson. Never pick up unknown calls!

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  11. I just found your blog and find it interesting to read. When you are ready to come out to your family, there is a good documentary that could help you and your family to deal with it. It's called "Anyone and Eevryone" and it shows the coming out proces sof several people to their families from different religious, racial and social backgrounds. One of the main families portrayed is this Mormon family. It is very touching and I am sure your family would find a lot of similarities with your situation. I had the priviledge of meeting the parents of the gay Mormon son and they are the most wonderful people you can ever meet. I wish you the best in your life. Be not afraid, your family will love you and will not abandon you, it may just take them a while to come around. After all, it took you yourself a while to accept that you are gay.

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