Thursday, February 25, 2010

Can't Sleep

Can't sleep.  I hate these bouts of insomnia.  I lay in bed and start to think about life, which gets me thinking about how lonely I really am.  This is what's on my mind tonight:

My last fortune cookie read: "You are going to have a very comfortable life."  Ha!  Comfortable life, indeed.  I am a gay Mormon.  Nothing is going to be comfortable or easy.  Going through life battling between my sexual orientation and my faith will not lead to a very comfortable existence.  Right now is definitely one of those times.  I am not comfortable at all where I am (physically, emotionally, etc.).  Perhaps until I get away from BYU, from Provo, or even away from Utah altogether, I will not be able to live a "very comfortable life."  But in oder for that to happen, I will need to come out to my family and my friends (an extremely uncomfortable thought in and of itself).

Out of my already short list of friends, only a few of them know that I am gay.  I always think that I want to come out, but I am afraid of people judging me or looking at me differently.  Can't they see that I'll still be the same person after I come out, albeit a little more free and unburdened.  I want to tell some people, but every time I think about it, I get a sickly feeling deep down in the pit of my stomach.  It's that same feeling you get right before you go on stage in front of thousands of scrutinizing eyes.  I may be coming out to only one person, but it feels like the world is watching.  Just this morning for example, I was on the phone with my mother and the thought popped in my head: what if I just blurt it out? "Mom, I'm gay." But, as soon as I thought it, I felt like I needed to rush to the nearest bathroom.

I'm guessing it's going to be like when I went bungy jumping.  I got to the edge with my toes hanging out over the ledge. The countdown started: 3 . . . it's about this time I thought why am I doing this? . . . 2 . . . what if the harness isn't secure? what if the cord snaps? . . . 1.  Go!  But inexplicably, despite my misgivings a second earlier, I found myself leaping off the platform and plummeting toward the water as fast as gravity could pull me.  I felt light and free as a bird.  It was a liberating sensation, like I was weightless.  And, to nobody's surprise, the safety features remained intact and they performed their desired fuction to get me back to the top without injury.  Coming out will be hard, and I will have misgivings.  But I just have to go for it and trust that those who support me and love me will not fail me when I need them the most.

*FYI: Yes that is really me in the picture. Cool, huh?

Before I go, I want to take time to thank everybody who follows and/or comments on my blog.  I know this sounds cheesy and cliché, but I do sincerely appreciate all your words of comfort, advice and humor.  So, thanks for reading.  Now, hopefully I have expelled enough of the thoughts rambling around in my brain to get some sleep. Arrivederci.


  1. Hey man, I know how most of that feels. I am out to some of my closest friends and bishop... but I felt like screaming out loud today in the middle of campus! I though, "if I did that, would the people come and attack me?" I feel like they would. Its tough to be gay and LDS. I hope things can go better for you man. If you ever need anyone to talk to, e-mail me or leave me a comment. Now go get some sleep man! Lol, Night!

  2. I can sympathize with you. I was scared too about telling people I'm gay. But then I took a chance. I used to think people at BYU would not be accepting but I was dramatically surprised. Even my most homophobic friend was accepting of me. Your friends, the ones that love and care for you, will love and care for you no less if you tell them. It was definitely scary telling someone. But I know that I will never regret it!

  3. I don't have too much to add, but I can say that you and Erch are pretty much right--it's real hard to tell people, but once you get over the edge and finally let loose, people are startlingly accepting of it. It's just the difficulty of the initial jump that causes all the trouble.

  4. Unfortunately some people will look at you differently some will look down upon you, possibly even those whom you love the most. What I discovered however was that it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. The exhilaration of finally being free was worth everything it cost. Besides, I learned who my real friends were and the others, we really don't need them.

  5. "Comfortable and easy" is basically what you make of it. It has nothing to do with surroundings. Just trust yourself to keep up an attitude of strength and things would just follow suit.

  6. I hope you know I empathize with you. I just want to remind you that after everything is said and done that it doesn't get any easier. Moving away, coming out, so is still hard after that. But you have my admiration because you are definitely more mature about this whole situation than I was.

  7. While reading your post, it occurred to me that this could have been me 20 years ago if there had been Internet and blogs available to us then.

    Instead, I went through much of the same feelings and fear that you are experiencing, only I was convinced I was the only gay mormon at BYU.

    Although you could never talk me into bungy jumping, I did take the leap and came out while still at BYU. Needless to say, I did not stay at BYU very long after coming out.

    But 20 years later, looking back, I would not have done anything differently. If you take a look at my own blog, you'll get to know me a bit. And meet my husband, and our two adopted children.

    Be strong. Be patient. It will all come together for you in time. It will probably not be comfortable some of the time, but it will definitely be worth it most of the time.

    Big hug