Going Home

I am leaving to go home early tomorrow morning, so this will probably be my last post for the year. None of my family knows that I am gay, and posting on my blog from home is too risky.

Which brings me to another point. Should I tell my parents that I am gay while I am home? I know my family's stance on homosexuality, which is the same as most highly conservative Mormon families. I have debated telling them for about a year now, but still have not had the guts to go through with it. I keep telling myself that I will cross that bridge when I come to it, but I have noticed that I have purposefully been avoiding that bridge for a very long time. I mean, it may not even come as a surprise to them (I have shown gay traits ever since I was six, when I would choreograph dance routines to Céline Dion songs). My parents even caught me looking at gay porn in high school. I told them that I was over it when I came out to BYU and then went on my mission. But all my life, I have been taught by my parents that being gay is a sin and that gays will go to hell. Maybe this was their way of discouraging my gay traits. Thanks for the lifetime of support, mom and dad!

So, anyway, I could tell them the truth and and be done with it, but endure the shame of my family (especially my younger brother, who will undoubtedly use my homosexuality against me) forever. Or, I could allow my family to remain blissfully unaware of my actual orientation, but at the same time, not allowing me to be myself. I would be lying to everyone, including myself.

Our Lady of Gaga

This post is dedicated to the patron Saint of homosexuals everywhere, Our Lady of Gaga.

May she reign supreme forever and always.

One Day You Will

You feel like you're falling backward,

Like you're slipping through the cracks.

Like no one would even notice

If you left this town and never came back.

You walk outside and all you see is rain;

You look inside and all you feel is pain.

And you can't see it now,

But down the road the sun is shining,

In every cloud there's a silver lining.

Just keep holding on.

And every heartache makes you stronger,

But it won't be much longer:

You'll find love, you'll find peace,

And the you you're meant to be.

I know right now that's not the way you feel,

But one day you will.

You wake up every morning and ask yourself,

"What am I doing here, anyway?"

With the weight of all those disappointments

Whispering in your ear.

You're just barely hanging by a thread;

You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath.

And you don't know it yet,

But down the road the sun is shining,

In every cloud there's a silver lining.

Just keep holding on.

And every heartache makes you stronger,

But it won't be much longer:

You'll find love, you'll find peace,

And the you you're meant to be.

I know right now that's not the way you feel,

But one day you will.

Thanks!

To those I hung out with last night: Thank you! I really did have a great time. I'm sorry if I seemed a little stand-offish, but I was totally nervous and I am am very shy. It was my first time hanging out with a group of gay guys like myself. I just want you to know that I really did enjoy myself and I would really like to hang out with you all again. It may take time for me to open up and completely be myself; trust me, I am not always as quiet and shy as I was last night.

So,

- for making me feel welcome,

- for seeing Temple Square lights in the bitter and unbearable cold,

- for adventures with flat tires,

- for fun conversations,

- for Our Lady of GaGa,

- for BBQ chicken pizza,

- and for Drop Dead Gorgeous,

I say thank you! Thank You!

Confession

During my shift yesterday, a co-worker asked me to tell her something about myself that not a lot of people know. I scrambled to find a suitable answer that would satisfy her question. Of course, the #1 secret about me that nobody knows is that I am gay. I am still not ready to come out to anybody just yet, especially someone I see every other day. What if she freaks out and doesn't want to be my friend anymore? What if she goes and tells everybody else at work? So I quickly tried to think of something. I think I took longer than she expected, so she probably figured that I was covering up a bigger secret.

I finally told her that not only have I never had any type of long-term relationship, never had a girlfriend in high school (which is true), but I also have never been kissed (also true!). Yes, I went to prom and homecoming, but we went as friends. I even took the same girl to both Junior and Senior Prom. So my co-worker began asking why I've never dated anyone, and I gave her some bullshit answer about being afraid of commitment, being let down, etc.

So, yeah, I have never known what it feels like to have a girlfriend/boyfriend, or even a kiss. It's not that I am waiting to do it with my one true love or over an altar, it's just that I've never been interested in girls and coming from the deep south and a Mormon family, being homosexual is not something that people just accept.

My confession is this: I am gay, through and through. I've never had any type of long-term relationship, but I want to. And I have yet to have my first kiss.

(Un)Divine Comedy

I went to Divine Comedy this evening with my friend from home. Overall, I thought the show was kinda lousy. Okay, DC, we all know that people at BYU get engaged and married way too quickly and young, but do you have to make that the focal point of every show that you do? While there is much about BYU and Mormon culture to make fun of, I wish Divine Comedy would do something more fresh and creative. I also feel kinda cheated at the end of some skits. Most end way too soon and they could have taken things further and made it even more funny.

Anyway, the unintentional (was it?) trans-gender joke of the night: In Pioneer Trek (DC's spoof on Star Trek), Spock is a lady, but when future-Spock comes into the fray, she (he) is played by a guy! "He's a She! She's a He! He's a She-She!" So, if I am to theorize correctly, Spock gets a sex-change and becomes a trans-gender man. Many say that they had to do this because they did not have any more female actresses, but that ruins my fun.

So, I don't think I will be going back to Divine Comedy anytime soon. Especially when there are more entertaining things to do on a Saturday night. Like watching this over and over:

I just love the Muppets! They make me smile when nothing else will. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Something Funny

I just thought of something super funny. So, I am from Georgia and I go to BYU. The abbreviation for Georgia is GA and most people shorten BYU to just "the Y." What do you get when you put the two together? GA + Y = You guessed it . . . GAY! I am a gay GA boy going to the Y. I guess some things are meant to be.

Hi All!

I thought I would start off by telling you all about myself.

I am 22 years old and go to BYU in Provo, UT. I am gay, but still very much in the closet. I have always had the desire to come out, but have always been afraid that people I love (i.e. my family, friends) will treat me differently, or worse, won't want me to continue to be a part of their lives. This is my biggest fear. You know they always say that being Mormon is hard, being gay is hard, but being both is Hell. This is so true and I feel so lost and lonely sometimes, like nobody knows how I feel or what I am going through. This is why I created this blog. I am doing it anonymously, as I am still terrified of coming out. However, I hope that I can release some of what I hold inside onto this site.

I did serve a mission for about 8 months in South America, but came home for health reasons. I had problems with severe anxiety while serving, which soon led to feelings of depression. I pretty much knew I was gay before my mission, but was trying so hard to live the way the Church told me to live. I thought that going on a mission would help "cure" me. I don't know if my anxiety came from me being homosexual and not dealing with it before my mission. When I got home, I wanted life to go back to the way it was before (if you haven't noticed by now, I have this subconscious fear of change).

And so I am back at BYU, trying to get through without too much trouble. It's just so hard when I see a cute guy and want to ask him out or something, I know that he will probably unleash his homophobic rants on me. I am also afraid of what will happen if the people who are close to me will do if they find out. I am tired of keeping everything I feel inside me. I am also afraid, terrified of what will happen if anyone finds out.

So, if you are reading this and know what I feel, please, please help. I just want someone to talk to openly and honestly.