I am 22 years old and go to BYU in Provo, UT. I am gay, but still very much in the closet. I have always had the desire to come out, but have always been afraid that people I love (i.e. my family, friends) will treat me differently, or worse, won't want me to continue to be a part of their lives. This is my biggest fear. You know they always say that being Mormon is hard, being gay is hard, but being both is Hell. This is so true and I feel so lost and lonely sometimes, like nobody knows how I feel or what I am going through. This is why I created this blog. I am doing it anonymously, as I am still terrified of coming out. However, I hope that I can release some of what I hold inside onto this site.
I did serve a mission for about 8 months in South America, but came home for health reasons. I had problems with severe anxiety while serving, which soon led to feelings of depression. I pretty much knew I was gay before my mission, but was trying so hard to live the way the Church told me to live. I thought that going on a mission would help "cure" me. I don't know if my anxiety came from me being homosexual and not dealing with it before my mission. When I got home, I wanted life to go back to the way it was before (if you haven't noticed by now, I have this subconscious fear of change).
And so I am back at BYU, trying to get through without too much trouble. It's just so hard when I see a cute guy and want to ask him out or something, I know that he will probably unleash his homophobic rants on me. I am also afraid of what will happen if the people who are close to me will do if they find out. I am tired of keeping everything I feel inside me. I am also afraid, terrified of what will happen if anyone finds out.
So, if you are reading this and know what I feel, please, please help. I just want someone to talk to openly and honestly.