Friday, December 4, 2009

Hi All!

I thought I would start off by telling you all about myself.

I am 22 years old and go to BYU in Provo, UT. I am gay, but still very much in the closet. I have always had the desire to come out, but have always been afraid that people I love (i.e. my family, friends) will treat me differently, or worse, won't want me to continue to be a part of their lives. This is my biggest fear. You know they always say that being Mormon is hard, being gay is hard, but being both is Hell. This is so true and I feel so lost and lonely sometimes, like nobody knows how I feel or what I am going through. This is why I created this blog. I am doing it anonymously, as I am still terrified of coming out. However, I hope that I can release some of what I hold inside onto this site.

I did serve a mission for about 8 months in South America, but came home for health reasons. I had problems with severe anxiety while serving, which soon led to feelings of depression. I pretty much knew I was gay before my mission, but was trying so hard to live the way the Church told me to live. I thought that going on a mission would help "cure" me. I don't know if my anxiety came from me being homosexual and not dealing with it before my mission. When I got home, I wanted life to go back to the way it was before (if you haven't noticed by now, I have this subconscious fear of change).

And so I am back at BYU, trying to get through without too much trouble. It's just so hard when I see a cute guy and want to ask him out or something, I know that he will probably unleash his homophobic rants on me. I am also afraid of what will happen if the people who are close to me will do if they find out. I am tired of keeping everything I feel inside me. I am also afraid, terrified of what will happen if anyone finds out.

So, if you are reading this and know what I feel, please, please help. I just want someone to talk to openly and honestly.


  1. I saw that you started following my blog. I understand where you are and how you feel. I'm glad that you've created this outlet, and I hope that you can find what you're looking for.

    Please don't hesitate to email, message or call/text me any time. Here's my contact info:

    Email: mormoninthecloset (at) gmail [dot] com

    MSN Messenger: scott (dot) passport [at] scottnic {dot} com

    Yahoo Messenger: scottnic2001 [at] yahoo {dot} com

    Google GTalk: scottnic {at} gmail (dot) com (or my email address listed above)

    Email me for my cell phone if you want it.

    You're not alone!

  2. dido to what Scott said - you're not alone. check out my blog as well as my wife's. yes is said wife. she knew before we got married but jumped in anyhow. thirteen years & counting. rough but incredible! Hang tight.


  3. I'll put my name out there as well. Please let me know if there is anything that I can do to help. My email is on my blogger profile.

    I'm glad to get to know you through your blog. I can't wait to hear more.


  4. Feel free to talk to me as well.

    I, too, suffered from crippling anxiety in my mission. I had immense chest pains that I learned to manage midway through.

  5. Add me to the list. I've been where you are! Like Scott (a good friend of mine), I found your blog when you started following mine. I promise you that there is an amazing community of gay Mormon boys out there who really do know and understand everything you're going through and are ready to reach out and help any way they can. My e-mail is, feel free to shout out anytime. And welcome to the family! There is definitely a reason we call it that. Because that's what it is. You are NOT alone.

  6. And a tight family we are! It is kind of funny to see my friends are the first to respond to your post. Feel free to reach out to me as well if you desire. Having a good support system, on and offline has been very valuable to me.

    My biggest piece of advice: It is your journey. Only you can decide what role homosexuality will play in your life. We all have our opinions based on our life experiences, but the choice is yours. It's called agency. Use it wisely, and enjoy the journey.

  7. If you need people to hang out with, i have a very good group of gay friends in Provo. We hang out every single night. We'd be more than happy to have you come hang out.

  8. WE really are a close knit family aren't we Bravone? We even have regular social gatherings like Scott's parties! I resonate what others have said, it is your journey to take. Trust your heart, let faith decide.... wow. did I just start absent--mindedly typing the lyrics to a Tarzan song? I think I did.
    Well Anywho, we are here for you and welcome.

    david.baker.389 at the gmail

  9. I just added you to the MoHO Directory - welcome to the family. You'll find many of us have shared similar feelings as you are having. I used to think of myself as some sort of freak of nature - it was comforting to find others like me.

  10. Hurray for more friends! I hope you don't feel alone in this! I'm at BYU as well, and if ever you want to talk about stuff, feel free. And welcome!



  11. Hey! Welcome to the MoHo community! Let me know if there is ever anything I can help you with!

  12. I'm back tracking a little bit but I too would like you to know that you are not alone--I promise.

    Please don't hesitate to get in contact with me.

  13. Oh, here is my contact info. You can instant message me anytime through the following...let me know if you would like my cell.
    Yahoo -- mikenguyenbyu83
    MSN -- mikenguyenbyu
    AIM -- mikenguyenbyu

  14. Hi! Even though you created this blog a while ago..I just found it! i created mine for the same reasons! Even though i am a girl, i am sure i go through and sruggle with a lot of the same things that you do. you can email me at I am totally with you on this complicated journey! i am glad i have other blogs to read so i know i am not alone too.