Horizon: "How has the knowledge of [other Mohos at BYU] while you are there affected you and your social life?"
I also was unaware of the number of gay guys here at BYU for the longest time. I really, truly thought I was alone. I felt like I was the only gay person in Utah County. I was ashamed and embarrassed of being attracted to boys. Ever since High School, I had tried to suppress my homosexuality. Anything that would even closely associate me to being gay, I avoided like the plague. On the outside, I successfully put on a brave face and convinced everybody that I was happy. Underneath the façade, however, I was miserable and lonely. I was this way throughout High School, my freshman year at BYU, my stint in the mission field, and the whole next two years back at BYU.
Finally, my inner emotions came to a boiling point, and I literally had an emotional (but private) breakdown. It was about this time that, thankfully, I stumbled across some online blogs by gay Mormons. I had heard about blogging as a source of release and therapy, so I decided to give it a shot. I began this blog last December in the midst of my emotional struggles. How glad I am that I decided to give it a shot! Many people (that I now call my friends) commented and began following my blog. I was shocked that so many people here in Utah were in my same position!
There was one follower in particular who invited me to hang out with him and his group of gay friends. I stepped outside my comfort zone and accepted the invitation. We went to Temple Square to see the Christmas lights. I was so nervous, I hardly said a word the entire night. But I will always remember that night, not because of what we did, but because of how I felt. I finally found a group where I could completely be myself and not try to hide from it. I felt so free when I was with them. This experience gave me strength to get through my emotional breakdown.
While hanging out with this group one evening, there was someone else there that night. I saw him and recognized him from somewhere, but couldn't quite put my finger on it. We started a conversation, and pretty soon I figured out that he was also a student at BYU. As we talked more and more, we discovered that we not only went to the same school, but we were in the same class! And even more, we had sat right next to each other on several occasions during the semester! What an astounding revelation! I was so taken aback that I had sat right next to another gay BYU student and hadn't even realized it. It was at this point that I discovered that maybe I wasn't as alone as I thought I was.
As time went on, through these friends, I came to know many more gay Mormons (Mohos). Today, I am so much more at ease with who I am because I have so many great and wonderful Moho friends. I am much more open with my sexuality, although not quite out of the closet yet. Six months ago, there was no way in hell that I would've ever come out of the closet even a little bit. But now, if someone asks, I will be honest. And I even have plans to come out to my parents this summer.
I am so much happier, my life is so much better now that I have discovered the abundance of Mohos here at BYU. Although I still have some struggles, I am confident that my friends will be there to support me.