What's Wrong With Me?

I want to crawl into a deep, dark cave and stay there forever.

Anytime a friend of mine says that he/she is feeling bad or angry or sad or depressed, I somehow always manage to convince myself that it's all my fault.  Therefore, I get angry/sad/depressed as well.  This is how I feel tonight.

I'm a naturally sarcastic person.  This means that sometimes, without even thinking about it, I can be mean and rude and hurtful by the things I say.  When I get nervous or anxious, I can get kind of overboard with the sarcasm and teasing.  When I'm around a certain person (who I really like), I manage to get this way.  I get nervous because I want to impress him.  I tease him in what I think is a joking way, but it's after several of these teasings that I finally realize that I've gone too far.  I always try to brush it off by saying "I'm only mean to people I really like. It's when I start being nice to you that you have to worry."  That's bullshit.  And I know it.  I really need to treat my friends like they mean something to me.  Like I want them to remain close to me.  No more of this teasing crap.  I don't want to be known as "the bitch" amongst my friends.

So, to this certain person that I may have offended tonight, I want to say:

I'm sorry.  I love you more than you probably know.  You have brought so much light and happiness into my life since we met.  I don't want to lose such a great friend.  My actions are out of line, and I am going to try my hardest to work on it.  I love how we text so much that I have to clear my inbox almost once a day.  I admire your strength and stamina when dealing with your thankless job.  I absolutely adore your new glasses (you look sexy in them!).  And I love how sometimes we can say nothing at all, but still be saying so much.  Again, I'm so sorry for being such a jackass.

Love, Me