He's Baaaaack!

Hi all.

(is there is anyone still reading this.....zzzzz......no? Oh well, I'll keep writing just in case.)

It's been a little over seven months since I last posted on here.  Not sure what kept me away for so long.  I have been working two jobs for a while, so that may have something to do with it.

So, a little update on myself (not that you really care that much).  I moved back up into the Salt Lake area right after the new year. I am, once again, living in my aunt and uncle's basement.  It's nice to be able to save some money for a little while, but I am itching to get my own place sometime soon. Anyone wanna room with me?  You must be incredibly clean (I'm sorta obsessive about keeping my place clean, so yeah, cleanliness is a requirement to live with me).  It's that sort of thing that will keep me from finding a long-term relationship.  No one can handle all my neuroses.  Bring it!

Anywho, as I mentioned before, I am working two jobs, so I've been quite the busy bee, jumping back and forth between the two.  I am constantly tired and sleep-deprived, but I enjoy keeping busy.  It keeps me from bumming on the couch all day, watching re-runs of 'Everybody Loves Raymond,' and stuffing my poor mouth with all sorts of processed delicious-ness.  Tangent: Why is all the best tasting food the worst for you? Argh!  It aggravates me.

For all you nosy ones, I am still single.  I've been on a few dates here and there, but nothing ever developed out of those.  I'd like to be in a relationship, but I'm at a point where I've kind of stopped looking for it.  Also, I seem to be a magnet for the crazies.  So there's that.

I know I have been away from my blog for a while, and I would really like to begin posting regularly again.  Are there any topics or issues or fun things that you, my lovely readers, would like me to address and/or discuss?  I'm open to talking about anything.

Emotions Are Contagious

For the most part my life is going great right now.  I have a good job, I have great friends, and my family is being so accepting of me being gay (my aunt and uncle now know, also).  I have so much to be thankful for, and I am really, really happy in my life right now.  Ever since coming into the gay community five months ago, I have met some amazing people who have really been instrumental in me getting to where I am today.  I have become completely aware of myself, and I am comfortable with who I am, thanks in part to these wonderful people.

There is just one thing in my life that I can't seem to handle.  It's the fact that so many gay people are so depressed and down on themselves.  I am a naturally optimistic person, and I hate being sad, angry, depressed, or whatnot.  I avoid those self-destructive feelings like the plague.  I went through too much of that on my mission and I know first-hand just how destructive they are.  But, whenever someone close to me tells me that they are sad or depressed, I end up feeling sad or depressed for them.  I have a very close friend, who is down more often than not, it seems.  I want to help, but I always end up feeling so down that I can't do anything about it.  I end up shutting out this person because I can't handle being that way any longer.  He takes my silence as a lack of caring or indifference to his situation and he always manages to make me feel even worse for not talking about it.  It's very true when they say that emotions are contagious, especially the bad ones.  I just wish I could infuse some of my happiness into him.  I hate seeing him suffer like this.  I still have very strong feelings for this individual and I am still trying to get over him, but I hope that he can understand why it's so hard for me.  I know too well what he is going through.  But because I know it too well, I don't want to go through that again myself.  That's why I end up shutting him out.  Sometimes I just can't handle being around people like that.  And I am pretty sure I'm not the only one.

Answers: Part 1

Thanks to all those who gave suggestions on what I should write about.  I will attempt to respond to all your questions over the next few days.  So, here goes:

--------------------

Horizon: "How has the knowledge of [other Mohos at BYU] while you are there affected you and your social life?"

I also was unaware of the number of gay guys here at BYU for the longest time.  I really, truly thought I was alone.  I felt like I was the only gay person in Utah County.  I was ashamed and embarrassed of being attracted to boys.  Ever since High School, I had tried to suppress my homosexuality.  Anything that would even closely associate me to being gay, I avoided like the plague.  On the outside, I successfully put on a brave face and convinced everybody that I was happy.  Underneath the façade, however, I was miserable and lonely.  I was this way throughout High School, my freshman year at BYU, my stint in the mission field, and the whole next two years back at BYU.  

Finally, my inner emotions came to a boiling point, and I literally had an emotional (but private) breakdown.  It was about this time that, thankfully, I stumbled across some online blogs by gay Mormons.  I had heard about blogging as a source of release and therapy, so I decided to give it a shot.  I began this blog last December in the midst of my emotional struggles.  How glad I am that I decided to give it a shot!  Many people (that I now call my friends) commented and began following my blog.  I was shocked that so many people here in Utah were in my same position!  

There was one follower in particular who invited me to hang out with him and his group of gay friends.  I stepped outside my comfort zone and accepted the invitation.  We went to Temple Square to see the Christmas lights.  I was so nervous, I hardly said a word the entire night.  But I will always remember that night, not because of what we did, but because of how I felt.  I finally found a group where I could completely be myself and not try to hide from it.  I felt so free when I was with them.  This experience gave me strength to get through my emotional breakdown.

While hanging out with this group one evening, there was someone else there that night.  I saw him and recognized him from somewhere, but couldn't quite put my finger on it.  We started a conversation, and pretty soon I figured out that he was also a student at BYU.  As we talked more and more, we discovered that we not only went to the same school, but we were in the same class!  And even more, we had sat right next to each other on several occasions during the semester!  What an astounding revelation!  I was so taken aback that I had sat right next to another gay BYU student and hadn't even realized it.  It was at this point that I discovered that maybe I wasn't as alone as I thought I was.

As time went on, through these friends, I came to know many more gay Mormons (Mohos).  Today, I am so much more at ease with who I am because I have so many great and wonderful Moho friends.  I am much more open with my sexuality, although not quite out of the closet yet.  Six months ago, there was no way in hell that I would've ever come out of the closet even a little bit.  But now, if someone asks, I will be honest.  And I even have plans to come out to my parents this summer.

I am so much happier, my life is so much better now that I have discovered the abundance of Mohos here at BYU.  Although I still have some struggles, I am confident that my friends will be there to support me.