A Few Thoughts On My Weekend

I moved into my new place this week. I am now a resident of the Salt Lake Valley. Woot! I like it up here a lot more than Utah Valley. I am commuting to and from my job in Provo, however, until I get another job up here. I usually take public transportation, but every once in a while, I will drive. It's not as bad as it sounds, actually. To be honest, I quite enjoy it. Weird, I know.

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Anyway, my new place was not furnished, so I had a legitimate excuse to go to IKEA and buy furniture. I have been known to go to IKEA for no particular reason, which always ends up being a mistake - I can spend waaaay too much money in that store! But this time, I think I did pretty well. I got a bed, a dresser and a desk, all for a reasonable price. I saw so many cute things there that I would love to have, but I resisted the temptation to buy them.  My friend, and new roommate, came with me.  He had never been to IKEA before, so, of course, I had to bring him along. IKEA is like Disneyland, I told him. We had a lot of fun. It went something like this:

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

No, I kid. But it was a lot of fun.

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Saturday night was the Moho Party, which was really fun. I tried to be more outgoing and social, instead of being the wallflower that I normally am. It turned out to be great. I met some more people, which is always cool. We just talked and ate, and talked some more. Nothing more to the party than that. But it was great, nonetheless.

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On Sunday, I went to sacrament meeting in my new student ward. It was pretty good, until the last speaker. I tend to get a little anxious when people talk about certain things in sacrament talks. In this case, this speaker pretty much stated that everybody needs to serve a mission, because it will be the best thing that will ever happen to them. He went on to explain how his life has been completely changed because of his mission. Now, that's all fine and dandy for him, but when you say that everybody needs to serve a mission, I get really upset. I do not think that everybody needs to serve a mission. The missionary experience is not for everybody; it certainly wasn't right for me. And I have many close friends that have chosen not to go on mission, and in some of their cases, I actually laud them for that decision. Based on the experience I had, the mission would just be wrong for them. I would never wish for someone to go through what I did.

Then, still speaking about his mission in Italy, this speaker said, trying to be humorous, "My mission in Italy was difficult, especially with the Catholic Church and the Pope being there, leading them astray...." Whoa! That remark was tactless and it put me over the edge. At this point, I had to get up and leave. This comment proves the deep-seated intolerance and blindness of the majority of LDS church-goers. I do not, in any way, endorse the Catholic Church, but I always try to stay pretty open-minded about other people's beliefs. I respect them for what they believe, just as I expect others to respect what I believe. To say that my belief is somehow better than another's, is the epitome of bigotry.

Hi All!

I thought I would start off by telling you all about myself.

I am 22 years old and go to BYU in Provo, UT. I am gay, but still very much in the closet. I have always had the desire to come out, but have always been afraid that people I love (i.e. my family, friends) will treat me differently, or worse, won't want me to continue to be a part of their lives. This is my biggest fear. You know they always say that being Mormon is hard, being gay is hard, but being both is Hell. This is so true and I feel so lost and lonely sometimes, like nobody knows how I feel or what I am going through. This is why I created this blog. I am doing it anonymously, as I am still terrified of coming out. However, I hope that I can release some of what I hold inside onto this site.

I did serve a mission for about 8 months in South America, but came home for health reasons. I had problems with severe anxiety while serving, which soon led to feelings of depression. I pretty much knew I was gay before my mission, but was trying so hard to live the way the Church told me to live. I thought that going on a mission would help "cure" me. I don't know if my anxiety came from me being homosexual and not dealing with it before my mission. When I got home, I wanted life to go back to the way it was before (if you haven't noticed by now, I have this subconscious fear of change).

And so I am back at BYU, trying to get through without too much trouble. It's just so hard when I see a cute guy and want to ask him out or something, I know that he will probably unleash his homophobic rants on me. I am also afraid of what will happen if the people who are close to me will do if they find out. I am tired of keeping everything I feel inside me. I am also afraid, terrified of what will happen if anyone finds out.

So, if you are reading this and know what I feel, please, please help. I just want someone to talk to openly and honestly.