Answers: Part 3

shaantvis: "What reasons do you have for going to BYU? Any prospects in transferring to another school?"

Great question, shaantvis. I began serving my time back in 2006. This was during the time in which I was trying desperately to suppress my homosexuality. I was so ashamed of it; I was so afraid of people finding out. So, I went along with everything I was "supposed" to do. That included attending BYU, because that's what all good mormons do, right? If I had decided to go somewhere else, that would have elicited questions of "Why didn't you go to BYU?" or even worse, people assuming that I was not worthy to attend BYU. I thought that, for sure, if I decided not to go to BYU, people would somehow realize that I was gay. It's interesting to look back and realize just how naïve I was.

Even after my mission, I decided to come back to BYU, even though I knew it would be hard for me. I try not to regret any decisions I have made in my life, but coming back to BYU was probably not the wisest choice for me. Being back in "the bubble" brought back my anxiety and depression which I suffered through on my mission. Yet again, I had put myself in a location where I was afraid of people finding out who I really was.

I don't really hold any grudges against BYU, but I truly believe that, just like the LDS church, it's not really meant for everybody. It's perfectly fine for some people, just not for me.

As for transferring to another school, I have thought about it a lot, actually. However, I have decided against it. I only have two more semesters until I graduate. I do not want to take the risk of switching schools and losing credits in the process, forcing me to stay in school longer than necessary. I think I can handle BYU for one more year. As much as I do not like attending this school, it is a great academic institution. I like my classes and I learn a lot. A degree from BYU would only enhance my resumé. It would not be a blemish, like so many people seem to think.

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Rev. Dennis: "What is your favorite internet religious organization?"

Oh Dennis, you already know the answer to that.  eGrace International is, hands-down, the best internet religious organization ever created by man!  I am so proud to call myself a card-carrying member of eGrace.  For those who have not heard of the glory that is eGrace, please follow the link above and bask in it's awesome-ness.  Feel free to join - it's free!

(Dennis, was that a good enough plug for ya?)

Answers: Part 2

pgf: "If you had to kill a baby mammal through blunt force trauma, what kind of animal would you pick to kill?"

Hmmmmmm.......I think I would like to meet you, pgf. You seem to have a fascination with the macabre.

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Rob: "If you ran the Honor Code Office, what would you change regarding Mohos on campus?"

This is an interesting question. To be honest, I'm not sure. I understand why there is an Honor Code Office (HCO). Do I agree with all the things they do? Hell no! But to say that the HCO should not do anything about homosexuality, would be to say that BYU and even the entire church should reverse their standings on homosexuality. And, let's be honest, as wonderful as that may sound, it's just not gonna happen. Anytime soon, at least.

But to answer your question, if I ran the HCO at BYU, I definitely would make some changes. I would change the policies that allow "Honor Code Officers" to actively pursue and seek out those living the homosexual lifestyle. I have heard rumors, and I am not sure if they are true or not, that the HCO has "spies" on gay networking sites (e.g. Connexion) and even at gay clubs in Salt Lake. I find this to be a gross breach of privacy, and it would be the first thing I would change. People have their agency, right? So, they should be able to make their own decisions. This policy makes it feel like a lot of decisions are being made for us.

I also hate the "snitching" that occurs at the HCO. At any time, any student can report another student of violating the Honor Code, and remain completely anonymous. No evidence is required. This bothers me to no end! If I made my roommate angry for some reason, he could falsely accuse me of having sexual relations with another man to the HCO. I would get called in for questioning, and I would never know who reported me. Doesn't that just piss you off? I sure get heated when I think about it.

There are many flaws in the HCO, and they should be fixed. But, as I stated before, that's just not gonna happen.

Answers: Part 1

Thanks to all those who gave suggestions on what I should write about.  I will attempt to respond to all your questions over the next few days.  So, here goes:

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Horizon: "How has the knowledge of [other Mohos at BYU] while you are there affected you and your social life?"

I also was unaware of the number of gay guys here at BYU for the longest time.  I really, truly thought I was alone.  I felt like I was the only gay person in Utah County.  I was ashamed and embarrassed of being attracted to boys.  Ever since High School, I had tried to suppress my homosexuality.  Anything that would even closely associate me to being gay, I avoided like the plague.  On the outside, I successfully put on a brave face and convinced everybody that I was happy.  Underneath the façade, however, I was miserable and lonely.  I was this way throughout High School, my freshman year at BYU, my stint in the mission field, and the whole next two years back at BYU.  

Finally, my inner emotions came to a boiling point, and I literally had an emotional (but private) breakdown.  It was about this time that, thankfully, I stumbled across some online blogs by gay Mormons.  I had heard about blogging as a source of release and therapy, so I decided to give it a shot.  I began this blog last December in the midst of my emotional struggles.  How glad I am that I decided to give it a shot!  Many people (that I now call my friends) commented and began following my blog.  I was shocked that so many people here in Utah were in my same position!  

There was one follower in particular who invited me to hang out with him and his group of gay friends.  I stepped outside my comfort zone and accepted the invitation.  We went to Temple Square to see the Christmas lights.  I was so nervous, I hardly said a word the entire night.  But I will always remember that night, not because of what we did, but because of how I felt.  I finally found a group where I could completely be myself and not try to hide from it.  I felt so free when I was with them.  This experience gave me strength to get through my emotional breakdown.

While hanging out with this group one evening, there was someone else there that night.  I saw him and recognized him from somewhere, but couldn't quite put my finger on it.  We started a conversation, and pretty soon I figured out that he was also a student at BYU.  As we talked more and more, we discovered that we not only went to the same school, but we were in the same class!  And even more, we had sat right next to each other on several occasions during the semester!  What an astounding revelation!  I was so taken aback that I had sat right next to another gay BYU student and hadn't even realized it.  It was at this point that I discovered that maybe I wasn't as alone as I thought I was.

As time went on, through these friends, I came to know many more gay Mormons (Mohos).  Today, I am so much more at ease with who I am because I have so many great and wonderful Moho friends.  I am much more open with my sexuality, although not quite out of the closet yet.  Six months ago, there was no way in hell that I would've ever come out of the closet even a little bit.  But now, if someone asks, I will be honest.  And I even have plans to come out to my parents this summer.

I am so much happier, my life is so much better now that I have discovered the abundance of Mohos here at BYU.  Although I still have some struggles, I am confident that my friends will be there to support me.