Peeved

I'm really annoyed right now at (surprise!) BYU.

There was supposed to be a "discussion" on gay marriage on campus this morning. The BYU Democrats (yes, they do exist) and BYU Republicans were going to "discuss" gay marriage (because obviously there is no room for debate on the issue, because a bunch of old, cranky, white men say so). I was excited to attend because this is the first time anything like this has happened here. Two of my friends were even going to be on the panel as pro-gay marriage advocates.

But, of course, in typical BYU fashion, the whole thing has been caught up in bureaucratic red tape.

First, they announce that the event has been "postponed until further notice." This can only mean that BYU won't allow the event to take place in its current form on campus.

Then, on the Facebook event page, they have since changed the name from "Panel Discussion: Homosexuality & Gay Marriage" to the vague and broad "Panel Discussion: Contemporary Issues." This was clearly done in order to appease BYU (cause here, homosexuality and gay marriage are like naughty, four-letter words).

Finally, the group announces that, in order to attend, you MUST be a member of either BYU Democrats or BYU Republicans. I don't know why this annoyed me so much. Maybe because it excludes me from attending, as I am not a member of either group.

This is why BYU annoys me so much. They don't allow anything to happen on campus, unless it fits within their model of a "perfect" school. This happens every year during BYUSA elections. The candidates' platforms have to be approved in advance by the administration. Then, during their tenure, they only do what the administration tells them to do. Sounds a bit autocratic, huh? That's BYU for you.

Heaven forbid that people have different views on life. In my opinion, there is no good argument against gay marriage. Most arguments that I've heard are from a religious standpoint. "It's against God's word." "The Bible condemns it." "Modern revelation blah blah blah." These arguments are no good. When you use these arguments, you are forcing your own religious views on other people, who probably do not believe the way you do. The LDS faith promotes the ability of ALL people to "worship how, where, or what they may" (Articles of Faith, v.11). When you tell someone that they cannot do something based on a religious tenet, you are forcing your own religious views on them, thereby removing their own ability to choose how to live their life.

Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox now.

*Schoolgirl Giggle*

Cam and Mitchell may be my favorite TV couple....ever.  If you do not watch the glorious show that is Modern Family, you are seriously missing out.  This clip is hilarious.  Not to mention that James Marsden is hawt.  But the best is Cam's schoolgirl giggle at the end.  Just watch....and laugh. :)

I Heart Post Secrets

PostSecret.com may be one of my favorite websites.  Some of the things sent in are cute, some are hilarious, and some are downright heartbreaking.  These two, in particular, caught my eye recently, and both made me tear up a little.

Several people have told me recently that watching gay characters on television, like Kurt from Glee, or Cam and Mitchell from Modern Family, have helped them understand and be more accepting of gays.  I certainly can relate to Kurt and his struggles, and seeing that play out on television for the world to see is a relief, and yes, has "helped ME realize that it's okay to be me."

Thanks to my awesome friend Konrad for this one!  He recently posted it on his blog and I loved it so much that I had to post it on mine.

Thoughts on Church

A friend and I recently had a quick discussion on going to church.  He asked where I stood in regards to having to attend church in order to be a student at BYU.  I told him that, for me, I don't get much out of going to church.  I only end up feeling bad about myself and it increases my feeling of being in a place where I don't belong.  Last year, I only went to church in order to maintain my Ecclesiastical Endorsement.  For those who do not know what I am talking about, BYU students are required to be annually endorsed by his/her bishop.  This "endorsement" tells the University and the Church that that student is worthy to attend BYU.  Because I am in my last year at BYU, this was the last endorsement that I would have to get. So, I went to church almost every week until I had my interview with my bishop (in which, of course, I was not completely honest about my life - I never told him I was gay) and I got my final Ecclesiastical Endorsement.  After that, I stopped going to church completely.  I do not think I have stepped foot into a church building since that day in the middle of March.

Church has always been hard for me.  I used to (and still do) dread those three painful hours every Sunday.  I never knew what someone was going to say that would be another blow to my self-esteem.  It was almost like a constant barrage that would never let up.  Every week, thoughts like "You are not worthy" and "You are a sinner" would pervade my mind.  I would count down the minutes until I could escape.  But because I was supposed to be the example of a good, Mormon boy, I put on a brave face and got through it.  Almost every week, I came home even more defeated and down on myself than before.  And trust me, I am not the only one who has and does feel this way.  How can something that proclaims to be so good for everybody cause so much despair and anguish?

I recently had a conversation with my mother regarding how I feel about the church and their stance on homosexuality.  I told her what I wrote in the last paragraph, and then told her that in the LDS church, they put so much emphasis on what you should not do, that it causes young men and women to develop a distorted mindset about those who live their lives differently.  The LDS church teaches it's members to not drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, get tattoos, or be gay, among other "no-no's."  After this has been ingrained in their minds long enough, anyone with does any of these things becomes the epitome of sin.  I used to see the world through these eyes as well.  Growing up, if I would ever see someone smoking, that person was a "bad person."  Those people standing in line at Starbucks were "bad people."  That motorcyclist with tattoos up and down his arm was a "bad person."  I had no idea who these people were, but because of what and how the church teaches, I was trained to believe that these people were naturally bad and not worthy of what I had.

The same goes for gays, lesbians, transgenders, etc.  Because somebody is gay, that automatically makes them not worthy?  But who is to judge who is worthy, and who isn't?  I believe that is the sole responsibility of God.  No man should ever judge another because he or she may live a different lifestyle.

That is why I feel that I do not belong in the church.  I am not saying that all members of the church are this way, but it is a highly prevalent ideology among Latter-day Saints that anyone who is different is a sinner.  And when a high-ranking Church leader basically says that atheists and homosexuals would bring about the end of world and organized religion altogether, it only allows this mindset to fester and further develop among members (Click here for the church's reporting on that talk - check out the last bullet point, and here for a gay perspective).

I am gay and not a sinner.  Let me say that again.  I AM NOT A SINNER!  I am worthy of whatever anyone else is worthy of receiving in the next life.  If I was born with an attraction to men rather than women (and, YES, you are born gay - it is NOT a choice), it does not make me a "bad person."  It just makes me different.  And as far as I am concerned, if I am in a relationship with another man, that is between me and him.  No one else.  Period.

Do not get me wrong, I do not hate the LDS church.  It is just not for me.  And I completely understand that for some people, the Church is what they need.  I try to be respectful of those who do need it.  I recently moved in with my aunt and uncle, who are very active in the church.  I participate in their family prayers when I am present for them, and I still respect their wanting to keep the Sabbath Day holy, and, out of respect for them, I have removed all my rated R movies from my collection and put them in my room.  My aunt and uncle are wonderful people and I love them very much.  They were incredibly understanding when they found out I was gay.  I am so grateful for them letting me stay with them so I can save money.  For them, the Church is everything, which is perfectly fine and I understand it.  But as for me, I do not foresee me going back to church anytime soon.

Emotions Are Contagious

For the most part my life is going great right now.  I have a good job, I have great friends, and my family is being so accepting of me being gay (my aunt and uncle now know, also).  I have so much to be thankful for, and I am really, really happy in my life right now.  Ever since coming into the gay community five months ago, I have met some amazing people who have really been instrumental in me getting to where I am today.  I have become completely aware of myself, and I am comfortable with who I am, thanks in part to these wonderful people.

There is just one thing in my life that I can't seem to handle.  It's the fact that so many gay people are so depressed and down on themselves.  I am a naturally optimistic person, and I hate being sad, angry, depressed, or whatnot.  I avoid those self-destructive feelings like the plague.  I went through too much of that on my mission and I know first-hand just how destructive they are.  But, whenever someone close to me tells me that they are sad or depressed, I end up feeling sad or depressed for them.  I have a very close friend, who is down more often than not, it seems.  I want to help, but I always end up feeling so down that I can't do anything about it.  I end up shutting out this person because I can't handle being that way any longer.  He takes my silence as a lack of caring or indifference to his situation and he always manages to make me feel even worse for not talking about it.  It's very true when they say that emotions are contagious, especially the bad ones.  I just wish I could infuse some of my happiness into him.  I hate seeing him suffer like this.  I still have very strong feelings for this individual and I am still trying to get over him, but I hope that he can understand why it's so hard for me.  I know too well what he is going through.  But because I know it too well, I don't want to go through that again myself.  That's why I end up shutting him out.  Sometimes I just can't handle being around people like that.  And I am pretty sure I'm not the only one.

I Knew It!

Breaking News: Latin hearthrob Ricky Martin came out of the closet today on his blog.  

To this I say: Uh, duh!  C'mon Ricky, we all knew you were gay ever since the days of "Livin' La Vida Loca."  No, I kid.  To be serious, I comend him for his bravery. "Coming out - even in this day and age - takes courage."  So, congrats Ricky on being able to stand out and say "I am gay" in front of the whole world.  To do this deserves praise, no matter how obvious the announcement may have been.