My last fortune cookie read: "You are going to have a very comfortable life." Ha! Comfortable life, indeed. I am a gay Mormon. Nothing is going to be comfortable or easy. Going through life battling between my sexual orientation and my faith will not lead to a very comfortable existence. Right now is definitely one of those times. I am not comfortable at all where I am (physically, emotionally, etc.). Perhaps until I get away from BYU, from Provo, or even away from Utah altogether, I will not be able to live a "very comfortable life." But in oder for that to happen, I will need to come out to my family and my friends (an extremely uncomfortable thought in and of itself).
Out of my already short list of friends, only a few of them know that I am gay. I always think that I want to come out, but I am afraid of people judging me or looking at me differently. Can't they see that I'll still be the same person after I come out, albeit a little more free and unburdened. I want to tell some people, but every time I think about it, I get a sickly feeling deep down in the pit of my stomach. It's that same feeling you get right before you go on stage in front of thousands of scrutinizing eyes. I may be coming out to only one person, but it feels like the world is watching. Just this morning for example, I was on the phone with my mother and the thought popped in my head: what if I just blurt it out? "Mom, I'm gay." But, as soon as I thought it, I felt like I needed to rush to the nearest bathroom.
I'm guessing it's going to be like when I went bungy jumping. I got to the edge with my toes hanging out over the ledge. The countdown started: 3 . . . it's about this time I thought why am I doing this? . . . 2 . . . what if the harness isn't secure? what if the cord snaps? . . . 1. Go! But inexplicably, despite my misgivings a second earlier, I found myself leaping off the platform and plummeting toward the water as fast as gravity could pull me. I felt light and free as a bird. It was a liberating sensation, like I was weightless. And, to nobody's surprise, the safety features remained intact and they performed their desired fuction to get me back to the top without injury. Coming out will be hard, and I will have misgivings. But I just have to go for it and trust that those who support me and love me will not fail me when I need them the most.
*FYI: Yes that is really me in the picture. Cool, huh?
Before I go, I want to take time to thank everybody who follows and/or comments on my blog. I know this sounds cheesy and cliché, but I do sincerely appreciate all your words of comfort, advice and humor. So, thanks for reading. Now, hopefully I have expelled enough of the thoughts rambling around in my brain to get some sleep. Arrivederci.
