Emotions Are Contagious

For the most part my life is going great right now.  I have a good job, I have great friends, and my family is being so accepting of me being gay (my aunt and uncle now know, also).  I have so much to be thankful for, and I am really, really happy in my life right now.  Ever since coming into the gay community five months ago, I have met some amazing people who have really been instrumental in me getting to where I am today.  I have become completely aware of myself, and I am comfortable with who I am, thanks in part to these wonderful people.

There is just one thing in my life that I can't seem to handle.  It's the fact that so many gay people are so depressed and down on themselves.  I am a naturally optimistic person, and I hate being sad, angry, depressed, or whatnot.  I avoid those self-destructive feelings like the plague.  I went through too much of that on my mission and I know first-hand just how destructive they are.  But, whenever someone close to me tells me that they are sad or depressed, I end up feeling sad or depressed for them.  I have a very close friend, who is down more often than not, it seems.  I want to help, but I always end up feeling so down that I can't do anything about it.  I end up shutting out this person because I can't handle being that way any longer.  He takes my silence as a lack of caring or indifference to his situation and he always manages to make me feel even worse for not talking about it.  It's very true when they say that emotions are contagious, especially the bad ones.  I just wish I could infuse some of my happiness into him.  I hate seeing him suffer like this.  I still have very strong feelings for this individual and I am still trying to get over him, but I hope that he can understand why it's so hard for me.  I know too well what he is going through.  But because I know it too well, I don't want to go through that again myself.  That's why I end up shutting him out.  Sometimes I just can't handle being around people like that.  And I am pretty sure I'm not the only one.

Answers: Part 1

Thanks to all those who gave suggestions on what I should write about.  I will attempt to respond to all your questions over the next few days.  So, here goes:

--------------------

Horizon: "How has the knowledge of [other Mohos at BYU] while you are there affected you and your social life?"

I also was unaware of the number of gay guys here at BYU for the longest time.  I really, truly thought I was alone.  I felt like I was the only gay person in Utah County.  I was ashamed and embarrassed of being attracted to boys.  Ever since High School, I had tried to suppress my homosexuality.  Anything that would even closely associate me to being gay, I avoided like the plague.  On the outside, I successfully put on a brave face and convinced everybody that I was happy.  Underneath the façade, however, I was miserable and lonely.  I was this way throughout High School, my freshman year at BYU, my stint in the mission field, and the whole next two years back at BYU.  

Finally, my inner emotions came to a boiling point, and I literally had an emotional (but private) breakdown.  It was about this time that, thankfully, I stumbled across some online blogs by gay Mormons.  I had heard about blogging as a source of release and therapy, so I decided to give it a shot.  I began this blog last December in the midst of my emotional struggles.  How glad I am that I decided to give it a shot!  Many people (that I now call my friends) commented and began following my blog.  I was shocked that so many people here in Utah were in my same position!  

There was one follower in particular who invited me to hang out with him and his group of gay friends.  I stepped outside my comfort zone and accepted the invitation.  We went to Temple Square to see the Christmas lights.  I was so nervous, I hardly said a word the entire night.  But I will always remember that night, not because of what we did, but because of how I felt.  I finally found a group where I could completely be myself and not try to hide from it.  I felt so free when I was with them.  This experience gave me strength to get through my emotional breakdown.

While hanging out with this group one evening, there was someone else there that night.  I saw him and recognized him from somewhere, but couldn't quite put my finger on it.  We started a conversation, and pretty soon I figured out that he was also a student at BYU.  As we talked more and more, we discovered that we not only went to the same school, but we were in the same class!  And even more, we had sat right next to each other on several occasions during the semester!  What an astounding revelation!  I was so taken aback that I had sat right next to another gay BYU student and hadn't even realized it.  It was at this point that I discovered that maybe I wasn't as alone as I thought I was.

As time went on, through these friends, I came to know many more gay Mormons (Mohos).  Today, I am so much more at ease with who I am because I have so many great and wonderful Moho friends.  I am much more open with my sexuality, although not quite out of the closet yet.  Six months ago, there was no way in hell that I would've ever come out of the closet even a little bit.  But now, if someone asks, I will be honest.  And I even have plans to come out to my parents this summer.

I am so much happier, my life is so much better now that I have discovered the abundance of Mohos here at BYU.  Although I still have some struggles, I am confident that my friends will be there to support me.

What's Wrong With Me?

I want to crawl into a deep, dark cave and stay there forever.

Anytime a friend of mine says that he/she is feeling bad or angry or sad or depressed, I somehow always manage to convince myself that it's all my fault.  Therefore, I get angry/sad/depressed as well.  This is how I feel tonight.

I'm a naturally sarcastic person.  This means that sometimes, without even thinking about it, I can be mean and rude and hurtful by the things I say.  When I get nervous or anxious, I can get kind of overboard with the sarcasm and teasing.  When I'm around a certain person (who I really like), I manage to get this way.  I get nervous because I want to impress him.  I tease him in what I think is a joking way, but it's after several of these teasings that I finally realize that I've gone too far.  I always try to brush it off by saying "I'm only mean to people I really like. It's when I start being nice to you that you have to worry."  That's bullshit.  And I know it.  I really need to treat my friends like they mean something to me.  Like I want them to remain close to me.  No more of this teasing crap.  I don't want to be known as "the bitch" amongst my friends.

So, to this certain person that I may have offended tonight, I want to say:

I'm sorry.  I love you more than you probably know.  You have brought so much light and happiness into my life since we met.  I don't want to lose such a great friend.  My actions are out of line, and I am going to try my hardest to work on it.  I love how we text so much that I have to clear my inbox almost once a day.  I admire your strength and stamina when dealing with your thankless job.  I absolutely adore your new glasses (you look sexy in them!).  And I love how sometimes we can say nothing at all, but still be saying so much.  Again, I'm so sorry for being such a jackass.

Love, Me

Thanks!

To those I hung out with last night: Thank you! I really did have a great time. I'm sorry if I seemed a little stand-offish, but I was totally nervous and I am am very shy. It was my first time hanging out with a group of gay guys like myself. I just want you to know that I really did enjoy myself and I would really like to hang out with you all again. It may take time for me to open up and completely be myself; trust me, I am not always as quiet and shy as I was last night.

So,

- for making me feel welcome,

- for seeing Temple Square lights in the bitter and unbearable cold,

- for adventures with flat tires,

- for fun conversations,

- for Our Lady of GaGa,

- for BBQ chicken pizza,

- and for Drop Dead Gorgeous,

I say thank you! Thank You!