The Hours

I watched The Hours for the first time last night.

I had no idea what I was in for, as I had not heard anything about the movie beforehand. To be honest, I was quite hesitant. By the time the opening credits finished, however, I knew I was in for a cinematic treat. I was relishing in discovering all the parallels between the three stories. It was an emotional ride. I identified with the women in the fact that sometimes, for no apparent reason at all, life seems too much to handle.

There is a scene where Julianne Moore's character is laying in bed, when all of a sudden, water begins to rush out from under the bed. The room fills with water until she is completely immersed. Oh, how many times I have felt that I am drowning in my own life! How many times have I wished to be free of the chains that bind me! It hasn't happened much, but there have been times that I have contemplated suicide. In fact, the time when I contemplated it the most was on my mission. The entire time I was serving, I felt like the characters in The Hours. I felt like I was drowning. The anxiety and depression that followed me were almost unbearable. I had to get out.

This movie deals a lot with death, which has been on my mind a lot recently (you've probably noticed from some of my recent posts). I mean, I have been to two funerals in just over one month. I've had a lot of opportunities to contemplate life and death. I have realized how fragile life is and how quickly it can be taken away. I admit it, I am afraid of dying. I'm afraid of the unknown. Do I know for certain what awaits us on the other side? I like to say I do, for the sake of other people's comfort. But truth be told, I have no idea. There is one quote from The Hours that has stuck with me. When Virginia Woolf's husband asks her why one of her characters has to die, she responds: "Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more. It's contrast." I guess this is true. If no one ever died, no one would appreciate their own life. No one would enjoy what God has created for them. Perhaps this also answers the question that I posed in Tuesday's post.

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

--Virginia Woolf from The Hours

RIP Alexander McQueen

Iconic fashion designer Alexander McQueen, 40, was found dead in his London home earlier this morning.

Where would the world be without those amazing 10-inch heels from Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" video?

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Until I was 11 years old my family lived here in Utah. Where we lived, we were surrounded by great neighbors and friends. There was one family that lived down the street from us. We were never incredibly close with them, but I do remember vividly going over to their house often and playing in their yard with their two daughters who were around my age. At one point, even, their mother was my primary teacher. I always remember how nice they were to me and my family.

When we moved to Georgia, we lost contact with most people in our ward and neighborhood. This family was no exception.

About five years ago, as luck would have it, this particular family moved into my Aunt & Uncle's ward (which happened to be only 2 minutes from where we used to live!). When I moved back here to Utah to begin school at BYU, I spent many weekends with my Aunt & Uncle. Over these weekends, I got to re-connect with this family. They invited us over to watch movies, to have dinner, play games, etc. It was great! I was so glad to have them back in my life.

Less than a year ago, the patriarch of this family was diagnosed with ALS (Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, AKA Lou Gehrig's Disease). For those who don't know exactly what that is, it is a degenerative disease that affects muscle control. For the past several months, I have seen how this disease has quickly compromised this man's control of his own body.

I received a telephone call at the beginning of this week from my Aunt who informed me that this man was in such terrible condition that he was practically suffocating because his respiratory system was not functioning. He is on a respirator in order to breathe. She told me that the family was planning on pulling the plug and letting him die sometime this week.

While I knew this was inevitable, it still rocked me to my core. I couldn't believe it. All I have been able to think about this entire week since that phone call is how things like this always seem to affect the best of the best. This family has seriously been such an example to me. Their strength and perseverance through such difficult times makes me admire them all the more.

So, again: Why do bad things happen to good people? I know this is one of those eternal questions that is impossible to fully explain, but everytime something like this happens, I always come back to it. I never seem to get a full answer. I guess I won't get the entire answer until I'm on the other side.

If you are interested in learning more about ALS or wish to donate for a cure, please visit www.alsa.org

UPDATE: This man of whom I speak in this post passed away earlier today. RIP

Tactless

I have a thing for awards shows. The Emmys, the Tonys, the Golden Globes, etc. Oscar night is one of my favorite nights of the year. The Academy Awards are my Super Bowl.

Anyway, tonight I was watching the Grammys. I was enjoying it very much, watching some of my favorite bands perform and rooting for my favorite nominees. At one point in the telecast, Taylor Swift and Stevie Nicks were performing. While their performance left much to be desired, there was this banjo player who was really getting into his playing. He wasn't even that effeminate and flamboyant. Out of the blue, my older brother, shouts:

That guy is a f**kin' homo! He should be shot in the face!

My brother does not know that I am gay, but I was still shocked and mortified that my brother would say such a thing! I had to excuse myself and I went into my room and just about broke down crying. My brother has always been pretty conservative in his views, but still, for somebody, anybody to say that a person should be killed for being homosexual boggles my mind. Fortunately I pulled myself together and tried my hardest to forget what he said. But I couldn't stop thinking about it and I couldn't enjoy the rest of the show. Even my idol, Céline Dion, singing for the Michael Jackson tribute couldn't get my mind off of it.

It doesn't stop there. I was later riding in the car with my brother and his friend and for some reason tonight seemed to be "Insensitivity to Gays" day in my brothers world. When things were stupid, he called them "gay"; when he spoke of his friend getting married soon, he joked that he thought it would never happen "because they would never allow gay marriage in Utah, and thats the way it should always be"; and I about flipped out when he railed on President Obama for asking Congress to repeal the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy of the military: "Gay-ass homos should never be allowed to protect this country." At this point, I demanded that he take me home. He knew I was upset about something, but he didn't ask.

I am so upset right now. I can barely contain myself. I have cried several times since being home over this. This whole thing makes me incredibley anxious when I even think about coming out to him. Before today, I always thought he would be one of the first I would come out to. We've always gotten along pretty well. I thought he might've understood. I guess I was totally wrong.

Johnny Weir

Admittedly, I am not a huge fan of figure skating. I appreciate the sport and understand why people enjoy it so. However, the sensation that is Johnny Weir could possibly get me into the sport. Not only is he cute, but he can perform his ass off while on the ice. Just watch this video for proof:

Good luck next month in Vancouver, Johnny! I will be watching and cheering you on!

The Dreaded Phone Call

7:30pm - Unknown Utah phone number calls me on my cell phone. Usually when this happens, it's somebody from the ward asking when and where FHE is (I am FHE coordinator for the ward). Seeing as it is a Tuesday, I should have sensed that something was awry. But being the curious person that I am, I decided to answer just to ease my curiosity. It was the dreaded phone call from the first counselor in the bishopric. My heart sank when I heard these words: "Bro. so-and-so, would you be able to give a talk in sacrament meeting this coming Sunday?" Sunday? This Sunday? I'm going out of town for MLK weekend! Maybe there's hope. "Oh this Sunday I'll be out of town for the long weekend. Sorry," I reply. I pray that they have plans for the next few Sundays to come, but, alas, this is never the case in the Mormon Church. They always have backup plans. "Well, how about the following week? Or you could even do it on the 31st," was his reply. Noooooo! I thought. But what was I suppsed to tell him? Oh, actually I don't really want to because I cannot continue to attend a church that discriminates against who I am. These words are probably best saved for a meeting with the Bishop, not as a way to get out of a Sacrament Talk. So, anyway, my topic for this joyous occasion is "Making Choices." I admit it's not the worst topic to be given, but I still would rather not do the whole thing at all. I have always been bad at public speaking. Every talk that I have given has turned into a disaster. A talk that I planned to be 15 minutes, ended up being 5 because I began racing through my outline so fast and I skipped several key points so that I am sure it didn't make a lick of sense to anybody.

Bah! Why? Why me? I don't want to give this talk, but as I am still not out to anybody, I am still keeping up appearances to please those around me. I really need to break out of this shell that I have been put into. I am tired of being someone I am not.

Anyway, to end this post on a lighter note, I have decided to leave you with this scene from one of my all-time favorite movies:

I'm Back

A lot happened over the Christmas break. As I stated in my last post, I was thinking about coming out to my parents over the break. That did not happen. My 18-year-old brother recently did something incredibly stupid (and illegal) and was causing a lot of tension in the family. I decided that I would not add fuel to the fire and cause my parents to worry about me also. I will probably wait until my brother moves out of the house to come out to them. They have enough on their plates with him still living at home.

And so Christmas came, Santa did stop by and apparantly we were all really good 'cause we didn't get any coal ;) I got some really good presents. I was SOOO excited for the $100 gift card to the brand new H&M store that opened at the Mall of Georgia. I LOVE that store so much! I got so many new clothes. Woot! Woot!

New Year's was fun. We partied with some friends, played games (I won in Scabble! And which of you doubted me?), watched Dick Clark mess up the midnight countdown (anybody else catch that? it was really funny, but kinda sad too, 'cause that man needs to retire), and had some really good food. My New Year's goal (I'm not a fan of resolutions, I like to set New Year's goals) is to start swimming again. I haven't been in a pool since I returned from my mission two years ago, and my body is showing it. ;) I really want to get back into shape like I was in high school.

To put a little damper on the Holidays, my grandfather passed away on the 30th. He was actually my mom's stepdad, but our family lived with him until I was about 3 or 4, and he has always been as good a grandfather as any, so I call him my grandpa. It wasn't unexpected, he had been sick for a while, and had gone downhill fast since Thanksgiving. But it still was hard for me. Although I hadn't kept in touch for the past few years, I still feel this powerful relationship to that wonderful man. The viewing and the funeral were today in southern Utah, so I skipped classes to pay my respects. It was a beautiful service. While I am sad that this incredible man is no longer with us, I feel that he is in a better place and is free from the pain of his broken body.

So now I'm back in Provo, ready to start school again tomorrow. I just have one class, and then work right after, so not a really busy day. But I am going swimming tomorrow morning to begin my New Years goal! Anyone want to join me? I could use a swim buddy.